Empowered Communication of Anger

Conflict is inevitable and unavoidable in relationships. Conflict arises when people in a relationship are not in alignment, and perfect alignment is a fantasy. When the misalignment is uncomfortable, communication is necessary to reconcile differences. Anger is a part of this process. Anger signals that something needs to change, and helps us mobilize the energy needed to make change. Many people think that it's not okay to feel angry, or that they can't be angry and assertive at the same time. In fact, there is nothing inherently wrong with getting angry, or telling people that you are angry and why.

People often draw a sharp distinction between assertiveness and aggression, but the line is less clear than it seems. The word aggression comes from the Latin agressio, meaning to step toward or to approach. In that sense, assertiveness is aggression. It is simply aggression that is skillful and respectful of the other person and the relationship. If someone tells you that you are being aggressive, that is not necessarily a reason for shame. It is an invitation to get curious about how your anger is landing, and to stay in relationship with the other person without abandoning your own experience. Skillful communication of anger, whatever we call it, means holding onto yourself while maintaining respect for the autonomy of the person you are in relationship with.

Assertive communication of anger requires skill, and it doesn't always have the desired effect. It is a huge challenge to continue communicating assertively when the other person is not, or when it is not immediately working. You do not need the other person's permission to take a break. You can say you need some time and return to the conversation when you are ready. Collapsing into numbness or shutting down in defeat is a different thing entirely.

Unskillful expression of anger takes many forms. Explosive aggression might get you your way in the moment, or it might make others even more rigid and inflexible. Either way, it is more likely to hurt, scare, and push people away, leaving you contending with guilt, shame, and loneliness. Anger that leaks out sideways, through sarcasm, resentment, or contempt, doesn't help either person understand what has happened or make changes. It leaves you dealing with the same resentment and loneliness, unresolved.

Empowered communication of anger isn't about following a template. It's about speaking your truth in a way that is most likely to be effective for you. It's less about protecting others from the emotional impact of your communication, and more about getting your needs met.

First regulate your body, then think of what to say

All the communication skill in the world won't help you if you are so dysregulated that you can't think. The more upset you are, the more urgently your body is telling you to make a change. Unfortunately, the more upset you are, the less likely you will be able to communicate skillfully. Turn your attention inward and notice what is happening in your body. Where do you feel the anger? Where are you tense? Just how elevated is your heart rate? Are you able to take full breaths? Are you able to think clearly? What do you need to do to get regulated enough to communicate from an empowered, grounded place?

Be aware of and communicate the other emotions you are also feeling

If you are being attacked by a stranger or a wild animal, anger is probably the only thing you need to communicate. But if you are angry with someone you have any kind of relationship with, your anger is most likely paired with or covering up something more vulnerable. Sharing those feelings too, whether hurt, sadness, or disappointment, gives the other person the opportunity to feel compassion for you while also learning that you are angry. Deciding whether to lead with anger, even when it feels completely valid, is worth thinking about. Raw anger tends to produce defensiveness. Hurt tends to produce care.

Take responsibility for your own feelings

No matter how justified your anger is, and it may be completely justified, the raw intensity of what you feel in your body is yours to work with. You have to actually feel it, not just think about it, if you want any skill with it at all. Empowerment means making a request, not a demand. If someone continues to behave in a way that angers you, you can ask them to change, you can explain fully and vulnerably how their behavior impacts you, or you can find some way to protect yourself, including by leaving the relationship. Or you can use your anger to control their behavior through fear and intimidation. That is domination. It degrades the connection between you and ultimately leaves you lonely.

Originally published November 2014 at wellclinic.com